If I Could Go Back…

If I Could Go Back… 

If I could go back the things I could
do or change are unimaginable.
not only could I change my outlook
on life but change my whole life as well.
Having the knowledge of today. I
could pretty much write my own
ticket. Change my Destiny.
I can’t even fathom the possibilities
I could be what Bill Gates is today.
Rich. Successful, envied by all.
Or the Dali Llama who is loved
and Cherished.
Hell I could probably even black
mail my way into the White House.
If I could learn to be a puppet
on a string.
i could change the smaller things
that have had a big impact on my
life.
Like my first love and the pain
I thought would never end when
it was over.
The first ass whipping I took
that should’ve shown me
that i was not the next Muhammad Ali.
And that it was okay to go
down for the count.
Would I change the females
who loved me then hated me
with the same passion. who bore
my children only to take them away.
Should I have fathered any
kids to begin with?
How about the crimes I’ve committed.
The lives I’ve taken The people I
hurt and the lives I’ve changed for
the good or bad. I could do something
about shit that comes from being
associated with the game.
Maybe the time I’ve done and am
doing now. There’s a lot I could do
and see in 15yrs.
Yeah, It’s a great fantasy. but
even if I could I’d never go back.
There’s so many things that I’m
very sorry had to come to an end.
And things that I never ever want
to Experience again. – But – That’s
my life.
To change anything in the past
is to change who I am today
granted my life is definitely
not charmed.
There’s so many things I regret
and feel guilty about. I’ve had
more than my share of pain and sorrow.
True my life is nowhere near
perfect and I don’t have a lot to show
for my years in existence.
but what I feel and do have
are hard-earned many
scars both physical and emotional
I’m still coming to terms with
myself. Still finding things that
amuse me.
The relationship I’m in isn’t
perfect. But everything can’t be
Peaches and Cream.
My 3yr old son, who loves me
unconditionally. The look in his eyes as
he looks at me is worth any agony
I’ve ever suffered.
I can’t see myself changing
the life I’ve lived for one that would
erase it altogether.
Any change in the past would start
a chain reaction and to what end?
Cause and Effect Effect and Cause .
They run hand in hand.
Why take the chance of getting
hit by a Bus in your new life?
yeah, I’d be a liar if I said I
didn’t want more and wish some
things never happened.
But that is MY life. The what
ifs are depression in the making.
My life is as it should be. I’ve
Paved the road I am traveling on.
My Destiny is to keep the look
of love in my son’s eyes.
I need no other recognition.

~CG2