If I Could Go Back… Reply

Looking back, I wish I could walk into yesterday
To a time before there were any dues to pay
But upon reflection, really who’s to say
That we can’t make tomorrow an even better day.
All it takes is simply to revise our ways
And to say what we mean to say
Good or bad, our true feelings are what we must lay
Upon each other, so there’s a possibility we may
Live open and honest lives until our dying day.
Those worry free days feel so long ago
When responsibility amounted to playing in the snow
But after this time growing up I’ve come to know
You have to man up and reap what you sew
Because you regret every chance to which you said “no.”
The thousands of things you should have done or said
Bounce around endlessly inside of your head
Making it impossible to ever fall asleep in your bed
Wondering if you’ll harbor this sorrow until you are dead.
The cold truth is we can never go back
We have to learn to let go of the past
And take advantage of the present, ready to attack
The future, know how it could have gone last
Time around, knowing full-well there won’t be a lack
Of choices to regret, but it all goes so fast
That if we don’t live in the moment, it could all go black
And we’ll be doomed to live in the dark shadow of our past.
The past is where memories either fade or stand the test of time. It is the answer key to unlocking our future by the choices that we make, and the consequences we take. To reflect on the days that we have left behind can change the course of our future, but to dwell on the those we have left behind, or the opportunities we did not take will only trap is in what we were, and not let us become who we are. If I could go back, it would be to relive the joys of my youth, re-experience young love, and remember a time more innocent than this. I would not change my past. I regret nothing.
I Wish I Could Go Back
I wish I could go back
to the early springs spent eagerly awaiting
the first blooming daffodils,
warm and round as the southern sun.
I would go back
to the evenings when I walked barefoot across
carpets of spearmint,
the scent rising strangely cool in the orange twilight.
to days when I perched in the weathered branches of a blooming Mexican elder,
book in tiny hand,
disappearing from the world one word at a time.
If I could, I would return
                to the early morning planting yellow snapdragons,
                throwing my hands and forearms deep into the damp earth,
                scattering moth balls to keep away stray cats.
I wish I could go back
                to the days before the hospital stays,
                dimly lit rooms overflowing with cut bouquets,
                and purple popsicle conversations.
If I could go back I would not change a thing. On second thought there would be a few things I’d like to address. I would like to sit down with myself when I was 12 and I started drinking liquor and smoking weed. I would tell my younger self to let time pass and explain that my situation is only temporary. I would tell me that our father was bitch for abandoning us and that the pain would go away on its own once you become a man. Hopefully that talk would work, but if it didn’t, maybe I could catch myself when I was 15 and about to snort my first line of cocaine. I would explain to my younger self that I was about to set some wheels in motion for a ride that would not stop until I reach my late 20’s. I would tell him about all the mindless missions he was about to embark on to get his next high. I would like to scream in his ear “WHAT THE FUCK ASSHOLE!” Then slap his ass up and down the street when I really think about it. Maybe I could take a lighter approach and tell him that he’s ruining his life and flushing his talent down the toilet, but knowing myself, that wouldn’t be enough. I would tell him to respect his mom and grandmother more, especially grandma because your going to miss her so much when you’re older. There are instances throughout my life that I know if I had had some guidance and been upfront with someone about what I was going through I would have been better off. It is impossible to go back, however, and everything that I went through has shaped me into who I am today. I know I am blessed to go through my struggles because there are many who took this route and it ended their life. Today I have to thank God for everything I am.

If I could go back…
If I could go back I would go back to my first years at UNM.
I would tell myself to live for me.
I would tell myself that my dreams are more important than anything.
I would tell myself that my mom isn’t going to die.
I would tell myself that my family will be ok.
I would tell myself no matter how much bud I smoke, coke I blow, acid I drop or mushrooms I eat the problems around me will still be there when I wake.
I would have told myself that it isn’t about making dad happy, he loves me always and always gets over it eventually.
I would have told myself It isn’t about prestige, its about passion.
I would have told myself, passion when directed, develops prestige; not the other way around.
I would have told myself to fallow my dreams. Cars, lots of cars.
I would have told myself it was all going to work out.
If I could go back, I WOULDN’T!
I wouldn’t go back!
I may not have known it at the time but I was being tested.
I was growing.
If I could go back, I would do it all again.
I would have still wasted my days drunk and high.
I would have still skipped class to skate and chill with the boys
Because I made it goddamn it.
I am still here and I am better than I have ever been!
My horizons are broader than they have ever been.
I learned what I was made of and pulled myself out of the deepest darkest whole by my own might.
I am G.M.
I have no limits, I have no regrets and I would NEVER go back…

Screw going back! I am way too old to live all that crap again. I especially don’t want to be responsible for messing stuff up worse than what it already is, in a good way. I think I did the best with the cards I was dealt, and I think most others have as well. Worse, there are two options: we can go back as the younger versions of ourselves and that doesn’t seem like a good idea, or go back as the older, more tired versions of ourselves-even worse maybe. Furthermore, everything that can be changed has shaped me in to what I hope is a stronger and more resilient person, so even though growing up poor, having kids young, and watching many of my family and community members make poor choices, why regret it? Maybe life, regret, and mistakes happen for a reason. If I made changes maybe my life would have had unbearable outcomes. My purpose, and everyone’s purpose in life has been based on our past, and those before us. We should work on shaping the future for our children by teaching our history with our mistakes as stellar examples. Bring on the mistake makers, let’s make a change.

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